Of Self-control And Self-preservation

Dan: I fell in love with her, Alice.
Alice: Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, "I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it", and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one. (Closer, 2004)

I've had those lines in my head during the last few weeks. I'm like Alice (not in the beautiful and charming kinda way, of course). I believe I can point out the exact moment when -aware of the situation- I chose to enter certain paths even knowing that it won't be the smartest choice.

¨On an autumn day I met her first and knew
That her dark hair would weave a snare that I might one day rue;
I saw the danger, yet I walked along the enchanted way,
And I said, let grief be a fallen leaf at the dawning of the day.¨ (Patrick Kavanagh)

Aparently this is a pattern we're doomed to follow.
It seems contradictory the fact that we see the ¨Danger¨ sign and yet we walk straight to it, so I began to question myself (or humanity, for that matter). Is it worth? All the aftermath-pain (or grief), I mean?

Right now I'm more into the Alice's philosophy. I think I'm in control, I try to stay alert, so for that in the brief period that this enchanted way still warms my heart (before smashing and burning it with no compassion whatsoever) then why don't I just embrace the oportunity and flatter myself into believing in those instants of happiness? I'm not saying I walk pass the sign though. I just stay close enough to feel the heat (valga la redondancia).

Crap. I hope I'm right when I say I'm in control. Because if I'm not, and this is nothing more than a self-preservation instinct of mine that's protecting me from the inminent realization that my heart las long gone, then I'm ¨royally screwed¨ (as a friend of mine always says) and what comes next won't be pretty. At all.

Before I go to sleep, I just wanna let you rest also, because the answer to my questions tonight will be answered only by me -I'm sure- in the next couple of weeks. Am I already screwed? if so: Was it worth it?... So, good night, dear Void.

Of Ironies, Love Stories and Daddy Issues.

Today as I was comming back from work, driving like an ambulance, and singing (with hand gestures and all) Alanis’ Simple Together like a mad person, naturally I started wondering about my love life(as if I wasn’t already enough danger to all the good Christians on the street). Don’t recommend this, must I add.
Oh Dear Void... What have I unleashed!? Prepare yourself.
First of all -as you may already know- I have no love life whatsoever, and That’s apparently the main problem. You know all that BS people say ¨All the good ones are gay or already taken, and those out there are only attracted to the bad girls¨. Well, I’m beginning to believe in that crap, only because it seems to be true.
I for Christ’s sake, take an actual, real time of my day just to think about how can I become a better person or at least of new ways not to waste my time on Earth. Who! Does! That!? Seriously!.
Also, it is a general concensus around me that I am of the good ones. Some even once said I deserve the best of the best. But the (my) reality today is that I find myself thinking about assholes who pretend to see me for who I am, but they actually don’t even know my favorite color and can’t get pass my gigantic ass. And I’m not even hot!... I mean, do you see the irony in the story?
So so so many questions pop into my head as I try to point out my problem (and I say my because that’s also the general concensus, that I’m the problem, not them).
Right now I can think of two big NOs that can explain my... hmm how to call this: Situation? Unusually long momentary state? Chapter? Well, you know what I mean...
I can blame my stubborn desire to believe myself when I say that all the fiction love stories ever written simply cannot be 100% part of their authors’ imagination. Some of that magic must exist somewhere, and all those characters must be inspired on real-life people, therefore... there’s a chance for me too.
I don’t know. Maybe someone has to pull my feet back to the smelly mud-loaded ground so I can get a grip and lower my expectations.
As for the second big No, I know is a documented, real, scientifically proved fact. My daddy issues. Simply put dear Void, he is the closest as a non-religious human being can get to perfection. Yeap, you heard me well. I’m saying my dad is practically perfect. See the issue? And Please, I don’t mean this in a Oedipal kinda way, I’m just stating what -also- is the general concensus among my acquaintances. Talk about high hopes!
As always dear Void, I don’t really want an answer, just have the need to ask: Do I really must sacrify both my hunger and expectations of happiness, just for the chance to get a glance of what it feels like to be with someone? Or (there’s always the Or) do I keep breathing, counting to 10, and patiently wait for the love-story-like guy?
Now it’s time to rest. So, good night, Dear Void.

Of Leaning on Nothing and Reality Checks

Lean on me: on one of those dark days I had to recently go through, I thought of that song: and maybe it was just my pesimistic-self that made me realize how BS every single word on that song were. Or is it that I just had the missfortune of being surounded by the wrong type of people (you can call them friends if you want, I personally prefer Not to patronize them), and for most of the civilized world those lyrics really feel true to them (somehow, my egoist-self feels even worse).
It made me wonder about that Aristotle statement that says humans are social animals: how social do we really need to be if at the end, during dark times we only see our shadow standing faithful next to us (that, if you're lucky enough and a little light is on somewhere). Is there a line I´m not seing?
I’m just saying, Dear Void... can’t there be a sign along the road that says you’ve reached your socialization limit, just like a heads up on what’s about to happen if you don’t stop(more like a ¨don’t bother, from now on is useless¨), or maybe like that screaming red sign on you car dashboard when the fuel tank is empty?

Is it me seing the glass half-empty here or there’s a line on the song that highlights how interest-oriented our relationships are. Hey you!... don’t worry, I’ll help you carry your weight now that you need me, because (and listen closely, because this ain’t free) I know it won’t be long till I need you to lean on.

But, I have to say: gotta hand it to the author, coz now as I keep listening to the next verse, reality kicks my butt. Hey you!... don’t be a proud-asswhole and just say the words! Because as crazy as it sounds to you, people Can’t read your mind!
How can it be so hard!!?? What is it about asking for help that seems to take a part of my wellbeing? Sometimes it feels like saying ¨I need you¨ is just another way of stating out loud that at the moment life sucks therefore I'm reciting the imperfections that make me so hmm... unperfect.

One last thing before I say goodbye, Dear Void. I wanna let you know another side of me: just how hypocrite I can be sometimes, because even now that I can only see my shadow, still can’t wait to feel better and call those same people that aren’t here to have a drink with them... Just to, hmmm... Share the joy.


Remember: I don’t need an answer to any of the gazillion questions I ask. It’s just that I need you there. So, Good night, Dear Void.

De Ganas y Justificaciones

Dear Void:

¨I like to start my notes to you as if we're already in the middle of a conversation…¨ Eran las primeras palabras de Kathleen Kelly (You’ve got Mail) en uno de sus emails a Joe.

Pienso en esas lineas mientras se acaba el último sorbo de vino en mi copa, quizás porque no encuentro la forma mas apropiada de iniciar esta one-way conversation…

Justificarme: ¡Que dolor de cabeza!... sin embargo lo hago todo el tiempo, así que para no cambiar de hábitos, siento que debo comenzar por ahí.

Recurro a vos, Dear Void, porque las expectativas y la imagen que tengo –y mi entorno tiene- de mi no me permiten decir estas palabras en voz alta… así que me sumerjo en tu silencio absoluto, confiando que vas a licuar mis pensamientos junto con los de las cientos de millones almas que te hablan en este instante, y las vas a dejar que floten insignificantes para siempre.

Tenéme paciencia, ahora te utilizo porque lastimosamente mis recursos financieros no me permiten pagar a un profesional de la mente para que me mire en silencio y escuche lo que tengo que decir; pero te prometo que ni bien pueda te voy a dejar de aturdir.

Por qué hoy? Simplemente porque estoy cansada de perseguir momentos que no existen. Perseguir a personas o intentar de crear el ambiente propicio para ¨let it out¨. Me gusta la simplicidad de mi vida, pero uno de los pormenores de ella, es que en días como hoy, es muy probable que el puñado de personas que conozco y confío no puedan estar cerca.

Otra de las razones por la que elijo Hoy (por ser el 8), es para contagiarme de la cabala que I.A. utiliza cuando empieza a escribir sus libros (ella lo hace siempre un 8 de Enero): se que mis espíritus son mucho menos inspiradores que los suyos, pero quien sabe… a lo mejor me susurran cosas interesantes, y algo lindo pueda salir de esto.

Hoy hace un cuarto de siglo que llegue al mundo. Tratando de hacer un inventario de las cosas que hice durante este lapso de vida concedida, de alguna manera me hago mas conciente de cuan relativo es el tiempo, dependiendo de cómo uno lo utilice (no quiero extenderme en el tema porque a lo mejor pasan otros 12 meses y yo sigo aquí tratando de explicar lo que intento decir).

Este día en particular no tiene ninguna relevancia (así como suele ser el 1 de Enero de cada año) en mi existencia: no pretendo lamentarme por lo que no paso en estos últimos 12 meses, ni mucho menos proponerme metas que muy posiblemente no las cumpla; hoy solo agradezco seguir aquí. Así que como para que no se arrepienta(la vida, digo) de todavía dejarme existir, voy a seguir con esta ardua tarea de moldear mi persona, no más de acuerdo a visiones idealistas de mi futuro, sino de acuerdo a como se vayan presentando las opciones frente a mi.

Antes de despedirme por hoy, solo quiero prepararte para lo que se viene: ni yo se en que me estoy metiendo, pero conociéndome, probablemente te hable de frustraciones, historias, amores, sueños, ambiciones, música, y quien sabe que mas…
Gracias por estar ahí. Ahora sí a descansar. So, good night, dear Void.